The Modern Filipina

XLIII. It never is break even.

I have this major mate I'm starting to get really close with. Her name is Real and since we're classmates for almost everyday of the week, we've been hanging out a lot. The other day, when we miraculously found ourselves free of school requirements, we decided to pig out at my favorite fast food place in LB: Mcdonald's. Mcdonald's is like the number one comfort zone for me because it pretty much reminds me of home and the city and well, almost anything I can relate not being in LB to. When I got back to our table, after having ordered chicken and rice from the counter, Real took out a small book from her bag, opened it and started reading. I figured it was one of those chic flick books one could finish reading in a day. But as I looked closely to the words that were printed on that very colorful book (of neon pink and green to be exact) Real had in her hands, it read: Every Girl's Guide to Flings by Marla Miniano.

How I reacted? Simple.

"OH MY GOD REAL!!"

I was shocked of course. I didn't know Real would actually waste her time on an instructional material on how to treat flings. Then she started reading some lines, lines that, to my surprise, I could completely relate to! Needless to say, the topic rolled off from there. We started talking about past experiences on flings; and actually justified that sometimes, most people we meet in our lives are, in actuality, not meant for keeps. Like, how some women could flirt all they want with some "interesting" men and by the latter part, when everything starts getting cheesy [and sticky], the women can't help but drop them like hot potatoes. Well. I guess this just goes to show that the fear of commitment and the relentless need for company for short bursts of time aren't exactly limited to only males. Women, apparently, have the same tendencies - and! Real and I can attest to that.

If I were asked to explain why some people, instead of getting into actual relationships, prefer having flings, I could say only this: the world we live in, however beautiful it could be at times, still have cruel tendencies we have to be wary of. I have to admit being in and getting out of relationships could be the most excruciating thing ever. We begin as vulnerable individuals, ready to meet people and eventually fall in love. If we aren't so lucky, sometimes the things we get ourselves into (yes even if it was under the powerful name of love) turn into the damned pit everybody dreads. And after having been ran over by the love bus, it takes a lot of time, courage and effort to believe and trust in it again.

Being in the pool of disappointment after having been broken hearted is sometimes so painful that one can't help but resolve to doing desperate moves just to survive it. In my conversation with Real that day, we talked about this girl who, at my org's event last tuesday, flaunted how "fine" and "okay" she was after her break up with one of our college guy friends. We found her walking past our friend, completely ignoring him while casting her fake smiles and boisterous laughters with her new group of men. Upon looking back at how that girl looked like the night we saw her flirting (whatever you call it) with other men right in front of her ex, Real couldn't help but say how pathetic a sight it was. I initially thought of it as something very low -- and very fake. But as I went over how things are for me at the very moment, heart-broken wise, I have to admit I can't blame the girl for having acted that way.

How exactly should one act after having been shattered by some random guy? After giving him more than he deserved and after investing time on the relationship you had with him, it still wasn't enough for him to stay. You entrust to him your heart and he returns it to you bound in scotch tape and glue, in his attempts to keep it together after having broken it. Coming to think of it, we really can't blame the people for acting the way they do after a break up. Who are we to label them immature and pathetic? To begin with, we have no idea how they feel and how they intend to survive through such circumstances they're facing.

So what's my point? I'm not so sure really. People have different ways of coping after having lost a battle. This is why flings exist. This is why people turn crazy and oftentimes get misunderstood. Because sometimes, even if it is often called the greatest gift of all, love is simply just not enough. And how exactly should one deal with this heart breaking reality? No one really knows.

Nope. Not even you.

XLII. SHOES

Shoes. Yes, I've been thinking a lot about shoes lately.

The other day at our apartment, I decided to take some pictures of the shoes I wear to school. The picture that is posted at the beginning of this entry is, well, a product of it. I have a bunch of other pictures of my other shoes but they're too many to squeeze in here. I have to admit I'm a shopaholic when it comes to accessories. I probably have spent more money on my collection of shoes and bags as compared to the clothes. The clothes are the ones I can mix-match, given my self-proclaimed talent in putting pieces together. But the 'additives' that should match the mix-match is another different story. You just have to find the right pair that would go perfectly with your outfits -- that, in itself, is another fun complication in the world of personal fashion.

Lately, my PSY101 classmate and I have been talking about our plans for the future. He's into films (like crazy) and with this strong interest of his, he's admitted that he's just not that into his present course sociology. I think I've been having the same mindset with my course. For some reason, I just can't find the passion I should be having for my course and its requirements. Half-hearted and half-baked. That's what I feel whenever I finish a semester with my course. I've always known deep inside that I'm meant for something else and it's not exactly firing me up for my communication major now. So anyway, going back, my classmate and I were having one of our chitchats about possible career plans. He was going to produce films and well, I'll be the one making shoes.

It's not a bad prospect really. I'm sort of getting excited already since I haven't exactly ventured in that area of the design world. I've done clothing design, interior design and graphic design, etc... but designing shoes sounds like a crazily fun thing to get myself into!

We'll see now, won't we?

Hello new shoes!

**Oh oh! had a blast last night by the way. Was hugging the toilet at 3 in the morning throwing up all the tequila and vodka shots I had with my girl friends. :D Another top night that was indeed!

XLI. Give me what is due me.

I wonder how selfish a person can get without him bursting to flames -- and eventually turn into ash.
I had a pretty bad day today. Well. Not totally. Conversations with friends certainly made my weekend fever, sore throat and colds a little easier. Aside from that, I was able to see Ozzy and my relatives yesterday because of my dad's 55th birthday celebration (happy birthday dad!). I was gonna include shots of the event here. But since I'm not intending to make this blog a happy one, I'd rather spare the images from the words I'll be saying a little later on.
You can ask my friends about this. But I was okay already. I was waking up everyday with this new found reason to live my life to the fullest. I have already accepted the situation with my ex and frankly, I no longer had the desire to go through it in my head again. I have decided to stop asking questions, have naturally stopped the crying and well, have slowly gotten myself used to not talking to him. In short, I was slowly getting there already. What I don't get is how, even if he was the one who mindlessly broke things off with me, he could not completely let go. I would've appreciated it if he dealt with the break up as something alike to leg amputation. One clean cut and you're out. But with what he's doing now, I feel that he's chosen to do it slowly but painfully. Something that had to do with a blunt serrated knife.
Frankly, I already thought of him as someone selfish when he decided for the two of us; that it would be "better" for us to be separated for the time being, and possibly forever. Before, I thought I was stupid for simply agreeing with him. Now, after what's been happening and how he's been towards me, I can't help but feel relief it's over.
I tried getting into a conversation with him today and he ended up ruining it by giving me a low blow joke. Super low that it really caused me to snap at him and tell him how self-centered he was. The thing is, for you guys to understand the situation, my ex apparently had a problem with the Belgian guy I mentioned to you in my past entries. And he used that to get back to me for I honestly don't know what. Gee.. I'm not sure but he was the one who left and I'm still figuring out what exactly it was that I did to deserve anything like that from him. Frankly, I see nothing wrong with wanting someone to talk to after having been dumped. If it was a way for saving one's self from completely getting lost in the post break up experience, then I don't see why people (most especially the ex) should have something against it. And! MAN! The way he jabbed me with his condescending joke really got to me. He certainly got the reaction he wanted to get from me, that's for sure.
Needless to say, I wasn't able to help myself. I almost literally asked him asked him to stay away from me (verbatim). I just asked him to stop and told him he was hurting me more. He became defensive and said I was accusing him for being heartless. If selfish is in anyway synonymous to being heartless, then I won't deny me accusing him of it. He thinks he's the only one having the difficult end of things. Always the person lacking sleep; always the person lacking time; always the one who should have the final say on everything because he "deserves" it. Mind you, I wouldn't be reacting this way if he didn't have a hand in it -- and if he wasn'tbeing the selfish person that he is. He's not the only person who was hurt because of what happened; and maybe he should stop focusing on himself for now.
I was hurt too. I was broken too. Even more than he ever was when he left me. The least he can leave me with is some sort of peace -- the freedom that should've been granted to me the moment he wanted out.

XL. Weed on a weekend getaway.

It's good to be finally home after two weeks of being in LB. Being home means a lot of things to me: my family, my bedroom and my internet. Ha ha! If, in LB, I have completely no access to comfortable use of wi-fi or internet (meaning, there's none at the apartment where I can go online in the comforts of my room), here at home, we have the glorious WI-FI. I must say, It's pretty nice to find myself on my throne once again -- on my bed typing these things down.

Anyway, going back, I wasn't able to go home for two weeks greatly because of our PSY101 (Filipino Psychology) class field trip to Mt. Banahaw.

Last weekend, September 5-6, our class, together with Ma'am Leslie Natividad (our lecturer), went to Dolores Quezon and stayed at Jay Herrerra's Kinabuhayan cafe. We spent our saturday and sunday there going up the mountain to experience rituals and occasional near death instances of slipping on rocks during our trek. We went spelunking in a total of six caves in those two days and I swear, I didn't expect it to be that exhaustive. When Ma'am Leslie mentioned caves prior to our actual field trip, I was thinking of caves that a person could go through while walking like an upright and normal homo-sapien (or is it luden?). But I was mistaken! We were squatting almost the whole time trying to find our way and we even had to slide ourselves lying down on the rocks because there really wasn't much space in the caves. Some of our classmates had bruises on them when they got out but they seemed okay about it. I guess everyone had the mindset of keeping the field trip enjoyable by just letting the mountain do whatever it wants to them -- come what may. Ha ha.

Besides that, we met a lot of great people too! Our guides, whose names I could not remember, taught us how to properly pay our respect to the mountain. We went about our activities in the mountain as how the locals would do it; yes, even if it entailed walking with just our bare feet inside the caves, drinking water straight from the spring, dipping ourselves IN the spring and occasionally lighting candles in the caves. It may have given us a lot of inconvenience. But if you ask me, I wouldn't have it any other way, really. I was surprised by how game I was in the whole trip! Normally, I would easily get icked out by dirty feet, dirty water, or musty floors for sleeping. But I didn't. Ha ha. I realized it was really fun to stick by the adventurous side of myself once in a while.

My group, Bethany, Kamille, Ayeen, Jessy, Mo and I, bonded like crazy that weekend. We made it sure that each and every member made it alive in every single day we were there. Ha ha. The boys assisted us in our trek and literally became our foot stools in our spelunking -- since there were sudden depressions in the caves wherein we needed to literally hop down to get to the floor. Speaking of my beloved group mates... another favorite part of my trip was our saturday evening drinking session with Jay Herrerra. Ha ha.

It was classic, that one. Lambanog was a favorite in the area so Jay generously gave us 'some'. By the end of the night though, I was really really dizzy already that even though I tried my best to think [and walk] straight, I really couldn't. To make things more exciting, our group earlier in the day decided to sleep at the tree house; and to get there means to climb two flights of stairs. Ha ha! It was a good thing Mo was with me when I decided to go up already. He said (the following day when we were all back to our sober state) I looked like a puppet when were going up. Ha ha he held me by my arms and I was occasionally falling in my dizziness so he had to hold me up to fully secure my climb. It was amusing really. When we got to our actual sleeping quarters -- which was literally meters above ground level -- it was a whole different story. Ayeen and Bethany didn't drink that night so they had a clear account of what happened when the drunk people got together in that tree house. We were all unnecessarily talking to each other in straight english and well, some secrets were revealed. I won't go into details though. Ha ha we all had a verbal agreement to leave the nitty gritty stuff in Banahaw. It was a top night, that one!

Another favorite part was when we went to Jay Herrerra's Kubli come Sunday afternoon. It's a part of the mountain his family owns and we ate our lunch by the brook. We also went swimming and I had a lot of attempts to swim against the current. Some of my classmates went sliding down the rocks along with the strong current and it was another activity from which more bruises were born ha ha. It was, well, the last place we went to in the mountain, and believe it or not, I was able to sense this quiet dislike of our class to go back to the real world thereafter. I myself didn't want to leave the place as well. My group mates and I even talked about staying another night. But arrangements had been made for two days only and we all had work to get back to the Monday after that.

Overall, it was truly a fun experience for my classmates and I! This week was full of talks about wanting to go back to the mountain to experience it all over again. Even if our bodies were still sore from the trekking, the climbing and the spelunking in the mountain. Ha ha. Up to now, my legs haven't really fully recovered yet. Don't get me wrong.. the body aches were sooo worth it!

I really needed that trip so badly. :) I'm just grateful my parents allowed me to go -- even if they were against it at first. Made a lot of new friends and well, it made me feel like a new person after having gone down the mountain. Ha ha. Dunno... I guess it had something to do with stripping myself of what I had gone through in the past month.

Miss you Mt. Banahaw!

I shall return ;)

Our group's last picture in Kinabuhayan Cafe.

(Mo, Kams, Me, Ayeen, Bethany and Jessy)